Death

 No cliffhanger here, it's just what's been going on here in my world.  Changes are needed at times and then sometimes they are hard to endure.  I am definitely a creature of habit and sameness, anything out of the ordinary can rock my little world.

Two years and nine months ago, I lost my mom, she was 90 and it was amazing that she lived as long as she did, but she was afraid to die, it was her fear and will that kept her going.  I knew that because she told me a few years back and in June prior to her death, I was visiting her and took her shopping for a wheelchair and she wanted to get a good one because, in her words, "Just in case something happens to be, I can give it to your brother."  She was 90 and she couldn't even say the word much less embrace that reality.

One year and 2 months ago, I lost my dad. It was horrible and the guilt is still real in my gut.  Not to go into any details, I learned a lot about the medical profession full of young people and that they aren't too crazy about old OLD people at all, my dad was 93.

Two days ago, I lost my 18-year-old orange tabby, Lolek.  He was my good little boy who loved to sit with me in the sewing room or rub on me while I made puzzles on the computer.  He was my favorite and I loved him like none other.  Again, the experience: realizing he was suffering and biologically shutting down, but very uncomfortable in the process, I had to take him to a Vet hospital early in the morning and make the decision to put him down.  He hated the crate ride there and then being IV'd threw him in a tizzy.  I loved on him to calm him down while they gave him the sedative.  I couldn't watch anymore of the process.

One thing I know from all three of these deaths is that, as one of the doctors on my dad's team said, "We have been dying for thousands of years, and still, we don't know how to do it well."

Grief is a tricky thing, at first it is the gut punch, then just the sadness and triggers.  Someone told me that the first year is hard, but the second one is harder.  Basically, because you realize that the lost loved one is never coming back and life has to go on without them.  That reality has a sting of its own, and it lasts a very long time, if not forever.

Hearing God's will in a busy brain....

 The Will of the Father.

Lately I've been wondering what is next for my husband and I now that the kids are all grown and starting their own families and lives.  All of them are at least 45 minutes to 2 hours away, so that even babysitting or just getting together has to be a planned event.  I long for them and our grandbabies to be closer, but alas it is not to be.  At least they are close enough to visit frequently.

The will of God.  We have been talking about moving into a smaller home and downsizing all our stuff.  What a chore that will be as we have lived in this house for 23 years and started off with 3 kids.  Lots and lots of stuff.  Then when my mother moved to an assisted living, she sent me a lot of her stuff from her condo.  China, boxes and boxes of hers, her mother's and her grandmother's china.....  No one wants china  anymore   Anyway, we have lots of stuff from both our parents' homes that our children didn't want or have room for, so now we have to rid ourselves of this stuff and of our own stuff too. 

When my father died this past April, it was a sudden event that no one was ready for, including my dad.  So when he was in the hospital with a brain bleed, frail, and basically hopeless, I had to start getting his apartment emptied.  My older brother called 1-800-Junkguys.  They came and took all my dad's stuff away, except a few things that my brother and I wanted.  It was sad, I have dad's rocking chair, lamp, and most of his writings, my brother took most of his paintings and a mantle clock.  But most of his stuff, his clothes, furniture, trinkets, shaver, food, prescriptions, computer, kitchen table, dishes, pens, and shoes were taken to the dump. Sigh.

Now we are the oldest generation, the top tier, next to go group.  We have so much acquired stuff that needs to be dealt with now or later but has to be dealt with.  When my husband and I prayed the other night, I added a prayer for God to show us his will for our next move.  We said amen, then my husband looked at me as said, "It's what WE want to do."  I corrected him and said, "God's will is what we want, it will be the best for us."  He said, "Alright."  God's will IS the best for us, I just cannot hear what it is, and I'm so frustrated about it.

God, please help us know what to do next.  Please give us guidance whether to move, where to move, when to move.  Help us hear your will....my brain is always so busy that it seems to drown out your voice...your whispers.  I only want to hear from you for our next phase of life.

I'm Just Finished

 To everyone who knows me, the first half of this year was hard for me and my dad. I think about him and his last several months of life every day.

--He struggled to walk, keep his scooter running, caring for his beloved dog, Rocky.

--He called me every day wanting me to decipher a note he couldn't read because he couldn't control his hands anymore.

--He lost his wallet, keys, his scooter quit working, he had no money.

I was 12 hours away trying to keep his world running, sending him cash, fighting the VA to approve in home nursing, finding someone to repair his scooter, making sure the VA knew he would be coming for a dr. visit without money or an ID, so could someone watch out for him?

Finally falling on Easter Sunday night, his nightmare really began. In the month of April, I spent nearly 40 hours on the road to Nashville, TN caring for him in the hospital and then finally in the legal euthanization facility where he was put to sleep in 2 days.

All this to say, I'm not mad, I'm done. I'm just done dealing with situations that rob me of my peace. I'm done with dealing with people that don't respect me, my hobbies, my volunteering, my age, whatever..... I'm done. I'm done dealing with people that don't respect me. I have put my best foot forward during these past few months toward everyone, but that's it. What I have given, I leave at the table. I don't care, that's it. I'm not mad, I'm not angry,

I'm Just finished.

Fr. Chad Ripperger's Prayer for the Election

 CONSECRATION OF THE ELECTION TO THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY

 Mary Immaculate, living tabernacle of the Divinity, where the eternal Wisdom lies hidden to be adored and served by angels and men, Queen of heaven and of earth, beneath whose sway are subject all things that are lower than God, Patroness of the United States of America, sorrowful and mindful of our own sinfulness and the sins of our nation, we come to thee, our refuge and hope. 

Knowing that our country cannot be saved by our own works and mindful of how much our nation has departed from the ways of thy Son, we humbly ask that thou wouldst turn thine eyes upon our country to bring about its conversion. 

We consecrate to thee the integrity of the upcoming election and its outcome, so that what is spiritually and morally best for the citizens of our country may be accomplished, and that all of those who are elected would govern according to the spiritual and moral principles which will bring our nation into conformity with the teachings of thy Son. 

Give grace to the citizens of this land so that they will choose leaders according to the Sacred Heart of thy Son, that His glory may be made manifest, lest we be given the leaders we deserve. 

Trusting in the providential care of God the Father and thy maternal care, we have perfect confidence that thou wilst take care of us and will not leave us forsaken. 

O Mary Immaculate, pray for us. Amen

The Girl in a War continues then and an update 2024

December 2019
As this young woman's mother, I struggle with the deep maternal need to fix her with my loving concern, ability to listen to her, nurture her, and be present for her when she needs to talk.  Oh, this all sounds so easy, right?  In reality, my daughter wants none of this.... absolutely none of it...from me.  These things do not help her, not now at least.  She goes through therapist after therapist, psychiatrist after psychiatrist over the past five years, there have been a handful that have, in her words, done nothing for her.

From her own words she describes to a potential new therapist how she has suffered over these years. 

Good morning, my name is _____.

I have been struggling for several years now with depression and some OCD symptoms. I have seen counselors here and there in the past, none of which I felt helped me very much. Recently things have taken a turn for the worse for me, mentally and emotionally, and I know that I can't do it alone anymore and I need to get myself help. I have been looking into different providers and your profile stood out to me. I wanted to reach out to you to get more information about your practice and treatments. Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.

______

September 2024

The Girl in the War still struggles, but she has done a good deal of growing up.  She's a mother, a wife, and expecting another sweet soul in March 2025.  She calls me just to talk saying, "I called you because sometimes I want to talk to just you without Anthony messing with the phone."  She's a banker, and a smart one too.  She's a 2 meds to help her with her depression and emotions and tells me she feels better on these meds.  There have been many different combinations through the years.

This picture is the very moment she met her son, I was her labor partner as she was a single mom, and below is this gift that helped to keep her planted on this earth.  She has a purpose now and the whole family is thrilled with this little guy.

We all are in a war at one point or another, I know I have been in one for most of my years.  Count our blessings and know that we are never alone as our guardian angel is always with us and our Lord is looking out for us as long as we know he is our God.

I count my blessings in my daughter, grandson, and her new little family and know in my heart that Jesus has a purpose for her, and she will find it.

 

Losing My Parents a Year and a Half Apart

Looking at the world today.  In restaurants, families all siting around on their individual phones.  No one talking, visiting, pay attention to the others, much less looking at each other.  How many opportunities missed with those near us.

Recently, I lost my dad, he was 93 and mentally full of life, physically, not so much.  He began falling more over the past year and a half.  He wouldn't tell anyone.  At one point, his doctor called me with him in her office and asked if he had told me about a fall he had.  They know that I live 11 hours away from him, so she was hoping that he would at least tell his daughter about it.  I couldn't help her, he stopped telling me about his falls months ago.  He refused to downsize and move into assisted living, he refused to move closer to me, he was a man of his own and wanted to stay that way.  I begged him, found nice and affordable places for him near me, alas, in vain.  I told my husband once that my dad will do out like Elijah, in a fiery chariot of modern times. 

He did.

He fell in his bathroom on Easter Sunday night and during the next 20 days, I traveled 38 hours back and forth to Nashville, TN to care for him in the hospital and clean out his apartment at the end. By this time, my dad had been living on his own for way too long and had no strength in his worn-out frame to muster any healing from the brain bleed and then the femur bone break that happened in the rehab hospital.  Evidently, he was an aspiration risk back at the intensive care unit and the medical professionals recommended he go to hospice.  I fought that for 2 days asking that he go to skilled nursing first and heal there.  He was so sweet and happy that my brother and I were there for him. He kept telling me that he loved me and was so happy that I was there to care for him.  He kept asking where he was going next, what was the plan.  I had planned on moving him closer to me and found an assisted living place for him and Rocky, his dog.  The hospital personnel gave me no choice but hospice.  Hospice, the dreaded option.  Finally, after my brother said it was the best, I signed him over.  They transferred him at 2:30 pm on Friday, April 19, 2024.  My husband and I still had dad's apartment to deal with, so we went there and worked on getting it cleaned out.  We finally got back to dad in his new location, the hospice facility.  It was dark, quiet, sterile.  Dad was dozing.  I went to find a "nurse" to find out how dad was and what the plan was.  She showed up and I told her that his hands and arms were swelling and needed attention.  She simply said, "Oh, we won't be concerned about that."  I was shocked and said, "What?"  Quickly, she said, "We can put some pillows to prop them    up."  I never saw any pillows.  Anyway, luckily, he wasn't too drugged.  I said hi to him and he woke and he was partially sitting up.  He was in a new gown and covered sufficiently.  The room was warm with the TV on low.  I stood next to him and asked him how he was.  He looked at me and said, "I don't like this place." "But Dad, it's quiet here, you aren't hooked up with anything, you can get some rest and heal your leg."  He mumbled something away from me and all I could get was ...tomorrow."  He turned back to me and gave me the biggest smile..teethy and sweetly...  I looked at him and moved by all he has been through told him I loved him.  He said he loved me too.  He asked me if I remembered when I needed his help and that he did help me, "Didn't I?"  "Yes, you did, yes you did help me." I love you, Dad"  "I love you too." he said.  "Do you think Biden will win this election?" "Oh, I don't know, Dad, I really don't know." shaking my head. Only until weeks after, did I realize that he was scared and trying to make conversation. Damn! why couldn't I have stayed with him longer and talked politics with him....one more time.  Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry!  We left after a while, he started to doze and I was tired and would see him in the morning before we left to drive 11 hours back home.  

In the morning, I arrived to see dad and he was in a deep sleep with his mouth wide open breathing heavily...Oh NO!!  Not Dad!!  A nurse showed up and I said to her, "Well, you have him all drugged up so I can't talk to him."  She coldly responded, "He was in pain, did you want him in pain?" "No, but there could have been a happy medium!"  She walked away.  I tried to talk to him for a few minutes and realizing it was no use, I sang him the same song I sang mom before she died the day after I left her.  The Winnie the Pooh song....I sang it the best I could for him, hoping he could hear me and the love that I had for him.  I then reached into my purse for my holy water bottle and spraying his face and chest with it.  I left....never to see him again.  The next night he was gone, 6:40 pm CST April 21, 2024.  Will I ever be able to forget this and feel good about it?  NO.

We lost mom a year and a half ago, she was 90 and riddled with both types of arthritis along with gut issues. Basically, mom's body was her enemy her whole adult life with ulcers, arthritis, and emotional issues.  We think she was bi-polar; she was up all the world was right, but when she was down, stay in your room and keep quiet.  She kept our home spotless, and she was a good cook, too.  She loved us and she was great at making our favorite meals, baking us birthday cakes and making sure we were ok.  Dad left her for another woman in 1981, just in time for her to see the three of us leave the nest and the change of life hit her.  She was alone in a big house with grown kids getting involved in their own lives and not seeing what she was going through.  Twenty-six years down the drain.  Luckily, she had worked her way up the banking latter and was doing pretty well as a branch manager.  But not right away during the divorce.  She said nothing, how did she do that?

When I married, we moved away from mom.  That was so hard, I cried for the first few months.  Mom never complained that we left and thought my husband hung the moon.  She seemed happy that I was settled with a good man and my own family. Later she told me that after work, instead of going straight home, she would go to Wendy's and get a coke and French fries and just sit and basically cry.  Now when I think of that, I wish I had been there for her, sat with her and ate French fries with her....and cried. During her years along, which spanned 40 years, she struggled with her health.  She sold the house and bought an upstairs condo and decorated it in all her favorite colors.

We cannot look at life and laugh in the face of fate.  We cannot look at the future as if it's ours for the taking. We were never promised a future, much less tomorrow, never.

Sandwiches

It's tough, really tough when you are caught between two generations and being in another generation with your own stuff to deal with.  No, I'm not talking about eating sandwiches, though it would be nice to sit by a big oak tree, eating a favorite sandwich with no cares in the world.  That is not what I'm talking about at all.

You see, if you have been around the "Pillars" at all, you will see that generations have had their turn, turning this girl on her head.  Life sandwiches, people sandwiches, loved ones sandwiches, those people that God put in your life to care, love, and want to throw the pickle from your favorite sandwich at.  

Years ago, I was told that we are given the parents we had for a reason, to grow us, strengthen us, or learn from.  I agree, and we do not know what that purpose is until we are looking backward, 20/20 vision.  Maybe, maybe not, I don't know really.  Since I am a parent of grown children, what are they looking back at?  What did they learn, grow from, or get stronger with me at the helm?  My husband doesn't think deeply into such things, so I'm on my own...as usual, to think up things to wonder about. I'm not really worried about my kids, they all seem to be figuring it all out for themselves, but I do wonder what I gave them, what WE gave them.

We went to Mass every Sunday and holy days, we prayed the meal blessing, I taught them about Jesus, forgiveness, and I showed them how committed I am to the Catholic faith.  Two of the three are Catholic and I guess that's pretty good odds.

.

Watching my mom die less than a year ago was depressing and such a loss in my life.  I miss her terribly since she was my sounding board where my dad was concerned.  He divorced her 40 years ago for a younger woman who divorced him 10 years and 2 kids later.  What goes around, comes around, yes?  My mom never remarried and remained married in the Church to my father.  She also stayed engaged with our families where my dad did not.  He was always living off somewhere and enjoying his friends.

Now my dad is gone, he died alone in a hospice facility three weeks ago.  A couple of his friends visited him the day he died and were able to speak to him and perhaps he heard them and was comforted.  I was there the day before, but with me living so far away, I had to go home sometime. I was with him for 5 days at the hospital.   I now have regret that I didn't do enough for him, ask questions to the medical professionals caring for him, I was his POA and needed to be his mediator.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  He was 93 and had fallen twice and had a brain bleed, broken femur and heart issues, so he was in bad shape.  Mom was 90 when she died, she was ready, her arthritis pain from 90% of her body was tiring and she wasn't able to do anything for herself.  She fought a tough battle for as long as I can remember.

Now the sandwich generation is only an open faced one.  It's quiet and gloomy, dark and empty basically.  My life was full of weekly conversations with both my parents, good or bad, I talked to both my parents weekly.  Now I find myself sitting in adoration listening to their voicemails.  Mom left me the gift of her voice...finally.  She used to never leave messages, but at the end she was leaving them all the time.

We live in a very transient society.  Kids go away to college states or countries away from family.  Jobs or found and they stay away and begin their lives far from parents, siblings, extended family members.  The family no longer is what it used to be, and the support and relationships are as endearing as they were a few generations ago.   That is sad.  I wish and pray that people start seeing that and want to make a change.  I pray for the family unit to be cherished again and needed again.