My mother deserted me when I needed her the most a few months ago and we haven't talked since. My father-in-law passed away and I was in the midst of nursing my best friend (my knight) who had just lost his best friend. Loneliness has set in and there are times when just a whim would cross my mind to tell mom something that happened today and then realize that that can't happen anymore.
My confessor told me to call or write to her and tell her you love her anyway, I thanked him, but in my heart of hearts realized that God was going to have to help me with that one. The realization that you now know that your mother really didn't like you very much and just did what she was expected to do for you hurts. I suspected that she didn't like me much during my childhood and there were times when she could have helped and been more compassionate with my growing pangs and changes, but I just got by. My father has always been very good at listening to me....as an adult, but not as a child, he had his own ideas as well and always put words in my mouth, oh well. Let me not get caught doing that to my 3 children.
Since February 22 of this year, I have been praying to God, asking Him to help me figure out how to get past this situation, but have not heard a word. Lately, after reading Heidi's new book, "Behold Your Mother" (thanks, Heidi!!) I thought, "Oh! I just need to ask Mother Mary!" Did that, heard nothing, felt nothing, and nothing has happened. My mother is still not talking to me and I am still too shocked and hurt to pick up the phone, much less write a letter.
Listen, I didn't do anything wrong, she conjured up some idea in her head that I hated my in- laws and prevented my knight-in-shining armour from running to their aid and "hold his father's hand before he died." I did no such thing, in fact, I told my knight we needed to go, and He said, "No, let's wait another day, the Dr. told me he is on new medicine." I was doing laundry and packing the kids up knowing we needed to leave the day she sucker-punched me on the phone. "Small and none of her business" is what my friends say, "don't worry about it." My father (who is divorced from her YEARS ago) says, "This to shall pass." I feel that she has essentially crossed the line in the sand and I 'm not sure how it will go.
A dark night of the soul sounds very much like what I have been living in during the past 6.5 years of living here in Greenville. In Texas, all my dear friends are there, the parish that I dearly loved and grew so is there, the pastor that was so nice is there. I was soooo happy there in Texas in the parish we belonged to there. But everything is here for my husband, including now, his mom. This is good, I know. But, I feel like I pray in vain, especially now since this situation with my mother and not hearing any consolation from God or Mother Mary.
However, there is one thing that I know for sure......I think. I feel that because I am not getting an overwhelming urge to talk to my mother, I don't think I am supposed to, I am to wait quietly and patiently for her to come around. It's lonely here, but it's ok, somehow even though God is not close by, I know He is there and I know that He knows that I am praying for an answer, a resolve to the dilemma.