Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dark night of the soul at the Pillars......

My mother deserted me when I needed her the most a few months ago and we haven't talked since. My father-in-law passed away and I was in the midst of nursing my best friend (my knight) who had just lost his best friend. Loneliness has set in and there are times when just a whim would cross my mind to tell mom something that happened today and then realize that that can't happen anymore.

My confessor told me to call or write to her and tell her you love her anyway, I thanked him, but in my heart of hearts realized that God was going to have to help me with that one. The realization that you now know that your mother really didn't like you very much and just did what she was expected to do for you hurts. I suspected that she didn't like me much during my childhood and there were times when she could have helped and been more compassionate with my growing pangs and changes, but I just got by. My father has always been very good at listening to an adult, but not as a child, he had his own ideas as well and always put words in my mouth, oh well. Let me not get caught doing that to my 3 children.

Since February 22 of this year, I have been praying to God, asking Him to help me figure out how to get past this situation, but have not heard a word. Lately, after reading Heidi's new book, "Behold Your Mother" (thanks, Heidi!!) I thought, "Oh! I just need to ask Mother Mary!" Did that, heard nothing, felt nothing, and nothing has happened. My mother is still not talking to me and I am still too shocked and hurt to pick up the phone, much less write a letter.

Listen, I didn't do anything wrong, she conjured up some idea in her head that I hated my in- laws and prevented my knight-in-shining armour from running to their aid and "hold his father's hand before he died." I did no such thing, in fact, I told my knight we needed to go, and He said, "No, let's wait another day, the Dr. told me he is on new medicine." I was doing laundry and packing the kids up knowing we needed to leave the day she sucker-punched me on the phone. "Small and none of her business" is what my friends say, "don't worry about it." My father (who is divorced from her YEARS ago) says, "This to shall pass." I feel that she has essentially crossed the line in the sand and I 'm not sure how it will go.

A dark night of the soul sounds very much like what I have been living in during the past 6.5 years of living here in Greenville. In Texas, all my dear friends are there, the parish that I dearly loved and grew so is there, the pastor that was so nice is there. I was soooo happy there in Texas in the parish we belonged to there. But everything is here for my husband, including now, his mom. This is good, I know. But, I feel like I pray in vain, especially now since this situation with my mother and not hearing any consolation from God or Mother Mary.

However, there is one thing that I know for sure......I think. I feel that because I am not getting an overwhelming urge to talk to my mother, I don't think I am supposed to, I am to wait quietly and patiently for her to come around. It's lonely here, but it's ok, somehow even though God is not close by, I know He is there and I know that He knows that I am praying for an answer, a resolve to the dilemma.


gemoftheocean said...

Oh, dear. I have have a friend who also feels abandoned by the Blessed mother .. she also had a difficult relationship with her mother. I will pray for you both. If it gives you any comfort, mother Teresa also felt the "dark night of the soul."

The older I get the more I see that we can't make other people do things, (i.e. mothers, friends, etc.) and we can only really control our own actions. I never had a particularly good relationship with my father, but it was only towards the end of his life when I felt I knew him better, and only some things I understood after he was gone. Are your grandparents on your mother's side still living? Sometimes you have to start there for understanding them.

Gretchen said...

God bless you. I think you are right to keep quiet and introspective for the time being. These things are a shock to the soul, and the soul needs time to heal. You are not alone with this type of suffering. Take it in, walk with it, offer it up, and one day it will leave you...stronger, more loving, more forgiving. In my case, it was a six-year silence. These things strike at the heart of our being, but they cannot destroy. You are doing the right thing. Silence and space give the soul needed time.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you...

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.


WhiteStoneNameSeeker said...

Wait quietly. God will lead when it is time.And He will be there whatever the outcome.
I will add my prayers.

EC Gefroh said...

Ebeth, I read this a few days ago. I didn't know what to write to comfort you so all I could do is offer up prayers for you.

Ebeth said...

Thank you all for visiting, reading, saying a prayer for my situation.

Karen, no my grandparents are not alive, but from what I remember of them, they were kind folks that did the best they could with 5 kids.

Gretchen, thank you so much for your encouragement and kindred spirit.

Anonymous, thanks for the prayer.

WSNS, thank you for your prayers.

Esther, Prayer is good and so is a good friend and listener! Thanks for both.


Jeff said...

Well... it's been a few days since cruising by the pillars...

Therapy, in any form, is relative to the individual. When it involves a relationship, that is when it gets really touchy. A phone call would be too immediate an interaction, and would also be too awkward.

The letter idea, however, tends to be an excellent form of therapy. Here's the key - no one is saying the letter has to be sent! You can channel all of your frustrations and any pent up feelings, and blast the person - chide them for the pain they caused, or things you miss. But you don't need to send it to the person (in this case, your mother).

You know where to find me, if you feel like talking...

Marie said...

I feel as if your pain is as deep as the ocean...Go gently with yourself and allow this time to grieve a soul hurt...When your soul has been hurt it takes more time to heal:). Understand one thing though, the depth of your hurt is the depth of love you feel for your mother. It is not you who is lacking in love.

As Karen said you cannot change another person..Do not place the burden of your mother's thoughts onto your own shoulders it is not yours to is your mothers.

Peace & much love to you:)

Marie xoxooxoxo